I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
