Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
