6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
