Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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