Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So vagazzling was a success
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
the raccoons are back...
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