who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
