just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
