well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
