She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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