When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh god it's open bar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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