hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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