I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
