He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He shit in the fireplace
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
