Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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