Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
