So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
