apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
