i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's always time for handjobs
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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