Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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