I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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