She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you had me at cake vodka
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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