Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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