My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
