I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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