dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
porn star boner night. come get it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
