I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
