so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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