Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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