Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
