It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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