ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
