nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
