If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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