i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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