Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
