I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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