she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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