Please, let me fuck your mom
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
