Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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