I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
