Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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