i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
