my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
