Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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