she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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