I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
