I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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