No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
