Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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