I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
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